Joke of the Week
Posted by Kevin Clement
in Of Interest
Joke of the Week – September 19, 2020
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are sitting in a bar in Alaska one Friday night, having a few beers. As guys do, they get to bragging a bit. They’re all pretty proud of their ability to save souls and convert sinners to their faith.
They’re also pretty competitive, so eventually they decide on a bet to see who’s the best at it. As the ultimate challenge, they will each try to win over a grizzly bear. They agree to meet in one week to see who did the best.
So the next Friday, they’re back at the bar. The Catholic priest goes first. “Aye, sure and I went off into the woods, and there I found meself a great bear. So I said me a Hail Mary and worked me rosary and held up me gilded cross. The light reflecting off the jewels dazzled his eyes—and well, his First Communion is next week.”
Next they turn to the Baptist minister. “I betook me into the wilderness, and there I found me a big ole bear. And I preached to him of the Holy Spirit, and I held forth the Good Book, and I ordered the devil within him to Begone! And I shouted “ENTER, JAYSUS!” And, well, his baptism is next week.”
Now they turn to the rabbi—who is sitting there in a wheelchair, bandaged from head to toe, several limbs in casts. The rabbi says, “Vell, in retrospect, maybe starting with circumcision vasn’t the best idea…”
Joke of the Week – August 8, 2020
Sven and Ole take a hunting trip to Alaska. They’re climbing up a steep hill looking for a moose when suddenly Sven gasps, clutches his chest, and keels over on the ground. Ole can’t rouse him, so, with shaking hands, he pulls out his phone and dials 911.
“911, what is your emergency?” the operator says.
“It’s my friend—he had a heart attack—and he’s dead!” Ole says in a panicky voice.
“OK, sir, you need to calm down. First, let’s be sure that he’s dead,” says the operator.
“Uh, OK, hang on,” says Ole. There’s a pause, and then the operator hears the sound of a gunshot. Ole comes back on the line. “OK, now what?”
Joke of the Week – June 20, 2020
An itinerant preacher is walking through the woods one day, when he comes upon a huge and ravenous bear. The bear growls, gnashes its teeth, and charges. The terrified man of the cloth takes off running for his life. Behind him, gaining, he can hear the growls of the bear.
Suddenly he bursts out of the woods, and finds himself on the edge of a towering cliff. Having no other recourse, he throws himself to his knees, clasps his hands together, looks toward Heaven, and says, “Dear Lord…please make this bear a good Christian!”
The bear bursts out of the woods behind him, and suddenly stops growling. To the preacher’s astonishment, it drops to its knees beside him, clasps its paws together, looks toward Heaven, and says, “Dear Lord…thank you for this meal I am about to receive.”
Joke of the Week – June 13, 2020
You wouldn’t think it to look at them, but Sven and Ole from Minnesota are keen birdwatchers. They signed up for a birding trip which unfortunately wasn’t too successful (obviously, it wasn’t an Apex itinerary).
After it was over, Sven was totaling up their costs. “Vell, Ole,” he said, “dat dere trip cost us five thousand dollars each, and ve only saw ten new birds. So I figure each bird cost us five hundred dollars!”
“Vell den, Sven,” said Ole, “it’s a good ting ve didn’t see any more.”
Joke of the Week – May 23, 2020
This week’s joke is courtesy of Martha Lyddon
An Older Woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: Like I said, I killed and hacked up the owner. His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see them.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for immediate assistance and back-up. Within minutes, five police cars encircle the old woman’s car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer #2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The older woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Sir?
Officer #2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car, murdered the owner and put bags of him in pieces, in the trunk.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer #2: Is this your car, Ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer #2: One of my officer claims that you do not have a driver’s license.
The older woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the purse and the license he finds in it. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer #2: Thank you Ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the stupid liar told you I was speeding, too!
Joke of the Week – May 16, 2020
You can’t blame us for this week’s joke! This joke, or rather comedy routine, was submitted by Peter Dawson (with some help from Hilary), who clearly missed his calling when he didn’t become a stand-up comedian. You can read Peter’s patter here … and click for sound effects.
I asked my personal trainer if she could train me to do the splits? She said: “Maybe…it depends how flexible you are.” I said: “Well, I can’t do Tuesdays”… Click here for sound
I recently bought a CD of whale-song—I thought it would be relaxing. But when I got it home I realized it was a cover version by a tribute band of dolphins… Click here for sound
I’ve just been on the vacation of a life-time. I’ll tell you what, though—never again!… Click here for sound
I sold my vacuum cleaner on eBay. Well, it was only gathering dust!… Click here for sound
Thanks Peter and Hilary!